The Most Important Lessons I've Learned About Love

I asked myself this question recently:

“How is my life different now than it was 10 years ago?”

While reflecting on the past decade, I wrote a list of all of the loves I’ve had from 2010 to the present. I’ve been lucky enough to have loved five people in the past decade of my life. And I’ve been thoughtful enough to have learned a lot from the almost-loves, "whatever-ships," illusions, and heartbreaks, too.

Here are a few of the lessons I've learned along the way:

1. It’s important to have a clear sense of what you value.

In other words, you need to know what your “nice-to-haves,” “need-to-haves,” and “can’t-haves” are. On my “nice-to-have” list: plays golf, outgoing, loves learning. On my “need-to-have” list: innately joyful, unwaveringly kind, committed to personal growth, and infectiously present. One my “can’t-have” list: fear-based living, complacency, a non-healthy lifestyle, and excessive television watching.

You can’t really develop a proper list until you’ve: (1) raised the standard to which you hold yourself and (2) learned what you want, don’t want, need, and don’t need through trial and error (aka love and heartbreak, on repeat).

2. Believe what people do, not what they say.

I’ve met some people who talk a big game. But as Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” And as Oprah amended, “…make sure you believe them the FIRST time around.” People ALWAYS tell you who they are. They tell you in the things they say, but more quickly and deeply by the things they do (or don’t do). If something doesn’t feel right, something almost always isn’t right. Slow down and pay attention. There are many snakes in the grass on the journey toward beautiful love. Don’t let yourself get bit so much that you’re too hurt to appreciate the real thing when it shows up.

And by the way, the same goes for you. Pay close attention to what you're telling people about yourself with your words and actions. If something isn't aligned, change it. Become someone you'd be proud to date. I spent this past year looking closely at my bad habit habits and past mistakes, and made a commitment to realigning my words and actions to more closely match my values and intentions. It's one of the best things I've ever done.

3. Develop a no-tolerance policy for ghosting and gaslighting.

There is clearly an uptick in the number of people who think it’s okay to engage with someone and then disappear off the face of the earth with no explanation. There also seems to be a rise in the phenomenon of gaslighting, which is when someone says/does things that make you question your own sanity and standards. It’s often subtle—things like someone saying, “Don’t read into things so much” or “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about X.”

Listen, you’re responsible for keeping your “crazy” in check (we all have a little crazy in us), but let this be a hard-earned PSA to all the single people: DON’T PUT UP WITH IT. There should be a one-strike policy for ghosting and gaslighting. If it happens once, cut them off completely. They aren’t right and/or ready for you. Don’t let them sap another ounce of your energy, or more importantly, make you question your lovability. Some people just can’t hang, and almost always, that has nothing to do with you.

4. Choose to be open to love—sometimes.

No matter how much heartache you’ve experienced, one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life is choosing to stay open to love.

Here’s the caveat: You need to shut the door to your heart and put a bolt lock on it until you’ve done the proper healing work. I’ve chosen more aligned partners over time, which I’m proud of and grateful for. Moving generally in the right direction—woot! To me, this is clearly the result of knowing and loving myself more fully over time.

This is not to say I haven’t had missteps in the interludes between committed relationships about who I’ve given my energy to. Let me tell you, there are some QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS on that longer list. By my estimation, I was most prone to letting not-so-great guys into my life when I was still in the process of healing from something—feeling lonely, unlovable, and insecure. Now I know that in the future, when I’m feeling any of these things (which I will because I’m a human), dating should be completely off the table.

If there is still healing that needs to happen, the only person you should be seeing is a therapist. Straight up. Because trying to date when you haven’t done the work to be right with yourself is a surefire recipe for disaster. You’re significantly more inclined to hurt others, and that in turn will cause a ripple effect of emotional pain out there in the dating world. Do you really want that karma? Do your work—and when you start to feel love for yourself and compassion about the past again, you’ll know it’s time to get back out there with that big heart of yours.

5. You have to trust your gut.

I walked away from all of my big loves with the exception of one. I used to think there was something wrong with me—Am I afraid of love? Am I incapable of being in a committed relationship? I’ve done lots of reflecting on this, particularly in the last year of my life. The conclusion I’ve come to is that yes, I have my stories and my fears just like everyone else. But honestly, I left each of my relationships consciously. Each decision to walk away was made with a RIDICULOUS amount of thought, compassion, and self-questioning.

Still, in the process, I've released some AMAZING loves. Just because you’re the one who calls it quits doesn’t mean the healing process is easy. Sometimes it ends up being harder and takes you longer to move on, actually. Leaving my last committed relationship was unfathomably painful. The only way I got through the past year of healing was by constantly reminding myself that I made the right decision. In the end, you have to listen to, fine tune, and trust your gut. And when it whispers or yells that you need to let go, trust that voice. And release. It probably won’t make sense for a while, but it always does eventually.

6. Learn how to be okay in the messy middle.

When a relationship ends, one of you will move on first. In my experience, watching someone you loved find love again first is heart-twisting. You naturally start to question things. You wonder if the love you shared meant anything. You question what was real and what wasn't. You replay the past in your mind and some pretty ugly thoughts and feelings often creep in. You wonder if you'll ever love again, or if anyone else in the world will "pick" you.

What I've come to realize is that it's a blessing not to be the one who falls in love again first. Because that means you have to learn how to be comfortable with heartache and questions and loose ends that will probably never get neatly tied up. It means you have to do some deep inner work—an excavating process that is painful, but ultimately the only way to truly find the gold of who you are.

Love is a beautiful and important thing. But equally and perhaps more beautiful and important is the process of coming to truly know and accept yourself—the highs and lows, the fun and not-so-fun emotions, the best parts of you and the shadow parts of you.

IT'S ALL IMPORTANT. And it's in that tender span of time when someone you loved has moved on before you that you discover your true capacity to love—most especially, yourself.

7. Speed kills.

My friend of mine, Victor, said this to me back in 2012 and I never forgot it. I’ve disobeyed it countless times, rushing into the various stages of love more often than not. But having lived the truth of this warning, one of the rules I’m holding for myself in the future is this: SLOOOOOOW DOWN. Love is an intoxicating thing. It is so wonderful to have an all-consuming connection with someone. But if you actually let it consume you, you end up paying a high price. You’re less likely to see yellow or red flags, misaligned values, and the true character of a person. You’re moving so fast that you don’t realize you are compromising your own independence.

After spending months of my life traveling the country to interview married couples, I can say this: The BEST loves are the ones where both people in a relationship not only maintain but support each other's individuality and growth. Slow down…and don’t let a relationship with another take the place of the most important relationship you'll ever have in your life: the one with yourself.

That leads me to my last lesson...

8. Great relationships are not the path to joy. They are the RESULT of joy.

I'm using the word "joy" instead of “happy” here for a reason. Happiness and joyfulness light up similar parts of your brain, but happiness comes from outside factors, while JOY is a thing you cultivate internally and independently. If you’re in a relationship (or want to be in one) because you think you’ll be happier, you’re going to be incredibly disappointed.

Relationships are not a hockey stick (increasing your level of life satisfaction dramatically once they come along). Rather, relationships are magnifying glasses. They amplify EVERYTHING. If you’re insecure, a relationship will eventually make you feel more so. If you’re joyful, a great love will amplify that joy.

Here’s the best news about this list:

Experiencing the deepest, most satisfying kind of love starts with the one thing you can control, which is how your own heart operates. Get the relationship with yourself right and the rest will follow naturally–wonderfully messy, beautiful, perfect, and imperfect love.

Just like you.