If You Want to Be in a Great Relationship, the Secret is…

My friend Nate and I were a few weeks into our road trip when we met bestselling author Laura Doyle. She greeted us with a big, bright smile at her beautiful home in Southern California. It was a beautiful day — not a cloud in the sky — and we were about to sit down for a conversation with the author of a book called The Surrendered Wife. Nate was excited to meet her, but I must admit, I was nervous. The “surrendered wife”? That just doesn’t sound good. I wondered, were we about to catapult back to the 1950s during this conversation? If we were, Laura’s disposition didn’t hint at it.

Have you ever met someone who seems like they’ve got a halo of light around them? That’s Laura. Laura just glows. She was bubbly and open — a woman with an infectious personality. She falls somewhere between a wise older sister and a young, gentle mother. You just want to hug her and tell her all your secrets — at least, I did.

What happens when you sit down for a few hours with the author of a book called The Surrendered Wife? Well, you surrender. Or at least, you try. Here goes.

How did you start with the work you do?

When I was newly married, I never dreamed I would one day call myself a “surrendered wife.” I was 22, well-educated, smart, and a feminist. I got married and was super happy. But, then I set about trying to improve my husband. I thought I was just going to help him be a little bit tidier — that sort of thing. But, who knew “helping” in wife language often translated to “critical,” “controlling,” “overbearing,” and “nagging” in husband language? Pretty quickly, things began to deteriorate. I was feeling really lonely in my marriage, and was puzzled because we started out super happy. I decided to drag him to counseling because that’s what you’re supposed to do when things aren’t going well, right? What I really wanted to do was take him to counseling so the counselor could fix him and I could finally be happy.

How far into your marriage was this?

We were really struggling four, five, six years in. Around six years in, I started asking women who were in really long marriages, which I define as 15 years or more, “What’s your secret to a happy marriage?” I remember one woman saying, “I try never to criticize my husband, no matter how much it seems like he deserves it.” I said, “Uh, have you got anything else?,” because I wasn’t going to do that. That, and so much other advice I got along the same lines was so counter to what I had seen growing up, so it didn’t make sense to me at the time. But I felt desperate and didn’t want to be divorced, so I was willing to try some of their suggestions. I can’t believe I was really, seriously considering throwing out the man that I think is the best husband in the world now, and the love of my life. I started listening to the suggestions, and figured it was all a big experiment for me to try what everybody suggested. I thought, “If it works for us, I’ll keep it; and if not, I’ll throw it out.” What emerged were six intimacy skills that I practice to this day.

What are those six intimacy principles?

The first one is self-care: it’s up to me to take responsibility for my own happiness. I do at least three things a day I enjoy that are only for the purpose of making me feel good, like: naps, hot baths, manicures, grabbing a cup of coffee with a girlfriend, playing a game, going to the bookstore, having a cup of tea, sightseeing, or going rollerblading with my niece. There’s also remedial self-care, like getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well. Every day, it’s my job to get enough of those in so I feel good.

Respect is the next one. I’ve learned that I don’t always have to agree with my husband, but I prefer to honor his decisions for himself at least by listening to him. I have learned the phrase, “I hear you.” I use that all the time. It doesn’t mean I agree or disagree; it just means I’m listening, because the first duty of love is to listen.

Vulnerability is the third principle. Instead of saying, “We never spend any time together,” which would be a nag and a complaint, I try to get down to what’s really going on for me and say, “Hey, I miss you. I feel like I haven’t seen you in a while.” Strive to come to the table with your palms open.

Gratitude is the fourth principle. Practice giving your husband or boyfriend at least three gratitudes a day. It could be, “Thanks for working hard to support the family,” or “Thanks for taking out the trash,” or “Thanks for driving me to go get my car worked on.” You want not only a culture of gratitude, but to have gratitude be your ongoing perspective.

The next one is: relinquishing appropriate control. Sometimes, I think it’s my job to weigh in on what my husband is wearing; it’s not. So, I try to refrain from commenting on things that really pertain to him and not to me.

Finally, there’s receiving graciously. When you get compliments, gifts, or help, just smile and say thank you. Really take in the things other people give to you.

What advice you have for married couples who are contemplating divorce?

My parents got divorced, so that was my model. By definition, I was using a failed recipe. If you think about getting in a car for the first time to drive, and no one has ever taught you anything about driving, you’re probably going to crash the car and think, “Wow, driving is so dangerous. Why would anyone drive a car?” But, if you learn a few skills, driving suddenly becomes safe and practical. It’s the same with marriage. One of the issues I have with the marriage counseling model is the idea that you have to go back to your childhood and think about your relationship with your parents. But, we don’t do that with other things.

For instance, if a teenager is interviewing for his or her first job and doesn’t get it, you wouldn’t say, “We need to go back to your childhood and look at what went wrong when you were growing up.” Rather, you teach the person interview skills and help him or her put a resume together, right? That’s the missing piece with intimacy. It’s not that important to talk about what happened when you grew up. What’s important is talking about is the kind of woman you want to be now, and the kind of relationship you want to create — then learning the skills to get you there.

What are the circumstances under which you would condone divorce for women?

I endorse divorce in marriages where the woman is not safe because the husband is physically abusive. Obviously, if he’s chronically unfaithful — as in, not the kind of guy who can be faithful to one woman — that’s another example. Also, I condone divorce if a man is actively addicted to drugs, alcohol, or gambling. Sometimes, my clients will try to add in other things, like food or cigarette addiction, or something else. But in my experience, these kinds of addictions aren’t the same. The three others are ones I see over and over again, and end in heartbreak for the woman.

The good news is if you’re not married to one of those three, you have a good guy. He may not be a perfect man, but he’s one you really can have an amazing relationship with. There is huge potential for a gratifying, satisfying, passionate relationship where you feel desired, cherished, and adored every single day. And, where you also steadily become your best self, because that’s what happens in a good relationship.

What about verbal abuse?

I think it’s an area where there’s a lot of misunderstanding. Let me just say: every person has yelled mean things loudly with swear words to his or her partner. If you haven’t done that yet, you will. And in a way, it’s verbal abuse if I’m standing there swearing at my husband at the top of my lungs, saying the meanest thing I can think of. So, by definition, there has been verbal abuse in my marriage — even if not a lot. I have a lot of women clients who say their husbands are verbally abusive and that’s why they need to get divorced, or that’s why he’s the one who needs to change. I remember one woman telling me a specific story about how her husband called her a name, so she told him he was a *bleep bleep*.

That’s when it really clicked for me: they have a culture of verbal abuse in their relationship; she’s blind to her own verbal abuse, but she sees his. What I’ve seen over and over again is that when you clear up the disrespect and the nagging, the verbal abuse also clears up. Are men who are physically abusive, cheaters, or addicts also prone to being verbally abusive? Yes, but you have to get rid of them, anyway. If your husband doesn’t fall into one of those first three categories, don’t worry about the verbal abuse. You can fix that. It’s within your power.

What’s your response to critics who say your first book, The Surrendered Wife, encourages submissiveness in marriage?

For me, the word “surrender” is a really beautiful word. It’s something we all have to do every day. If you’re stuck in traffic, you can’t make the cars move. But, you could listen to an audio book or music you love, or you could talk on the phone and think, “Wow, I’m glad I had this time to myself.” That’s what surrendering is. It’s accepting the things you can’t change and being grateful for the way things are.

My husband wants me to be happy. Whenever I’m coming from my pure desires — and not manipulation, criticism, or control — he wants to help. People talk a lot about compromise in my marriage, and that’s kind of not my experience. It’s not that he’s in charge and we have to compromise. My experience is that I’m operating on the feeling and desire level, and my husband operates on the thinking level. What he’s thinking colors what I want, and what I want colors what he’s thinking.

What specifically does it mean to surrender within a relationship?

If someone changes the way we want them to, are we really going to feel better or be happier? Not really. But, if I change and you respond to me differently, that might be more pleasant for me. I have women who read my book and in a few weeks, they go, “Wow, I feel like I have a new husband.” But, of course, he isn’t the one that changed — she did — and he responded to her differently.

I remember being in Hawaii with my husband John before we got married. We get up the first morning we were there, and I wanted to go to the beach. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said he though it’d be fun to go look at a volcano. I wanted to be the nice girlfriend, so I didn’t say anything about wanting to go to the beach. So, we get in the car and drive around for a while, and all you could see were these big rocks. I kept thinking, “He didn’t even ask me what I wanted to do, and I’m making this big sacrifice for him when I’d rather be on the beach.” Still, I don’t say anything. He notices things are not going well, and asks me if something is wrong. Of course, I then completely lost it — now I’m the volcano. I say, “I really wanted to go to the beach and you didn’t even ask me,” and blah blah blah. He was completely shocked because I never said I wanted to go to the beach. Here’s this man, who’s thinking, “You wanted to go to the beach? And wear a bikini? I would have been totally down with that! I didn’t know that’s what you wanted — let’s go to the beach!” You know, I feel sad for my younger self — that I didn’t even have the ability to just honor my desires by expressing them. Surrendering for me now is about focusing on my side of things, and expressing myself instead of trying to change my husband.

What does it look like to be an openly intimate woman?

You can’t have intimacy without being vulnerable. Both emotional intimacy and physical intimacy require vulnerability. One of the things I see with my single clients is that they sometimes reach for intimacy by being sexually vulnerable — like it’s easier to get named physically than it is to get naked emotionally. When it comes to creating a lasting bond, though, it requires women being able to hook into our emotions and express them clearly and cleanly. You won’t have an intimate relationship unless you’re coming to the table with how you feel and what you want in an authentic way.

When facing challenges in your marriage, do you think those challenges should be kept between a husband and wife , or should there be additional outlets?

I think it’s 100 percent vital to have a safe place to go. There are going to be times when my husband gets on my very last nerve, and I don’t necessarily want to bring that to him, even though I put a really high premium on our connection and intimacy. I might go to my sister and say, “He walked across the new rug right after he got his shoes polished and the rug is ruined, and I really hate that.” She might tell me that’s a bummer, but also hold me to this standard that we’re not running down the male bashing road. She knows it’s important to me to treat my husband respectfully. So, both are true: I need to be able to vent — everyone does — and I’m also not going to run away and turn my venting into a big bashing session.

So it needs to be a healthy outlet.

Yes. I’m not going to say it’s not messy in that moment when I’m calling my sister. I can respect my husband, but wish he hadn’t done something, and sometimes what comes out is a bunch of swear words when I’m talking to her. But, I’m also not taking it to someone who would say, “Yeah, you should leave that jerk.” There are a lot of women who will do that. I need to vent a lot less now that I have the intimacy skills than I did before.

Why do you think you need to vent less now?

I used to say things to my husband like, “You know, maybe you should ask your boss for a raise,” or, “I think you could make more money than you do now.” One day, John quit his job. I was beside myself with stress, pressure, and resentment that I was making all the money and he wasn’t. But, what I learned was the spouse fulfilling prophecy. When I said those things to him, I didn’t realize that was how he began to see himself in his wife mirror. So, I decided to affirm him. I began to say things like, “You’ve always been such a good provider,” and, “I’m sure you’re going to do well.” Just for fun, I started calling him “Mr. Moneybags” around the time he started his own company, which he’s since made a huge success.

When I finally realized I was focusing on my husband’s faults, I knew I wanted to switch my focus to how smart, funny, and thoughtful he is. He makes me tea every morning, and brings me a glass of water in the middle of the night, and fills up the gas tank when he notices that it’s low. I mean, I’ve got a great guy. Why wouldn’t I want to focus on that?

How do you find the balance between vulnerability and radical self-expression, and not communicating things that may potentially be hurtful or come across as critical?

It’s simple, but not easy. Maybe John wants me to watch something I don’t want to watch. I might say, “I want to honor you, but I’m too tired,” or, “I don’t want to watch that.” That’s radical self-expression, because the old Laura looked at volcanoes instead of speaking up. It’s not about commenting on what my husband is doing. But, however it’s impacting me? That’s the part that counts. Share when it will help you communicate or improve the relationship; not when you want your partner to do something different to make you happy.

Has your romance changed throughout the span of your relationship with your husband?

Well, we just had our 24th wedding anniversary and my husband asked, “What would you say if you were talking to yourself 24 years ago?” I’d say, “It’s going to be a great ride, just like you think it will be.” I’m happy to be able to say that I have what I dreamed I’d have when I said my vows. It wasn’t that way for a while — it started out great, until I got all controlling and weird. But, then I learned the intimacy skills I still practice and teach to this day. A lot of times, where we’re laughing and playing together, it really does feel just like it did when we were dating. That what I feel like as a surrendered wife. People think I’m trying to put women back in the 1950s or something, but I’m just turning the clock back to when my husband and I first started dating.

What are some of the ways you would encourage people to infuse fun into their relationships?

When my husband and I first started dating, the goal was always to have as much fun as possible. It didn’t matter if we were just laying around reading together, or walking to the movies — it was all fun. One of the great things about restoring the intimacy and revitalizing your relationship is that it starts to feel like that all the time again. So, when we brush our teeth at night, one of us will pretend to be a vampire and playfully bite the other person. Sometimes, my husband will say funny things like, “Has anyone read your horoscope today yet?” For me, it’s about removing any layers of disrespect, resentment, control, and general commitment to my misery. Once I did, the fun was naturally there. We didn’t have to do a whole lot to get it back.

I do think there’s this mythology in our culture that people who have happy relationships are just lucky, or it’s just fate, or you found your soulmate. It’s not luck or fate, it’s a choice. You make the choice to build a happy relationship.

But, many who are single say, “I’m waiting for the right person.” What is the balance when it comes to finding a great partner to create a happy relationship with, and waiting for the right person?

I had just turned 21 when I met my husband, and I didn’t know anything. If I had any expectation that I needed to develop myself first before I was ready for a relationship, I would still be single because there’s always room for improvement. The biggest room in the house is the self improvement room. I hear women say. “I feel like I need to work on myself first.” But, you know, getting married is the best self-improvement project I ever took on. I’ve never had to look at myself so thoroughly, and I’ve never worked as hard as I did in my marriage to become a better Laura. I think every woman is ready for love right where she is, right now, if she has a desire to be loved.

What does respect in a marriage look like?

Respect is not necessarily agreeing. A lot of times I look back and realize I used to give more respect to the stranger in a waiting room than I was giving to my husband. So the way I think of it now is when I’m being respectful, I’m honoring his decisions for himself. Surprisingly, intimacy doesn’t come from getting him to talk about his feelings. He could just be talking about training for his marathon, telling me about his schedule. I’ll look at him — his voice, his face — and think, “He’s my beloved. I’m glad I’m the one who gets to hear this, because this is what he cares about.” There’s intimacy in that.

What advice would you give to people who are in a struggling relationship or feeling trapped? What’s the first thing they should change to get back on the right path?

Well, I always advise people to start with self-care. You can’t be in a happy relationship unless you’re happy — and you’re the only person who can make you happy. It sounds so simple, but it was really hard for me to wrap my brain around that. The other thing I’d want to share with people is that I had this huge superiority complex with my husband. I really thought I was smarter, I was better with the money, I folded the clothes better, and I was better about picking nutritious food than he was. What’s really come out of doing all this work is that all of that was an illusion, and it wasn’t fun to be there. If you’re feeling superior to your partner, just know that’s a kind of a deception. Women have so much power and responsibility to create the relationships we want.

I can tell you a lot about the inside of a marriage in a few minutes from talking to the wife. She’s either saying about her husband, “Oh, he’s just great,” or “He’s a great father and he’s successful.” She’s got really nice things to say about him. Then, there’s the wife you meet and she’s like, “Oh, all my husband wants to do is watch sports,” or, “He’s got a terrible temper.” You can tell right there that either the respect is present or it’s not — and when there’s no respect, there’s no connection; and when there’s no connection, she’s not feeling desired. She’s feeling rejected and has no idea that she’s got her hand on the lever and is pressing it to cause her own pain. She doesn’t know that she’s creating the cycle.

What’s the worst relationship advice out there?

People often suggest that in a disagreement, you shouldn’t blame the other person. Instead, word it like, “When you do that, I feel this.” But that can really turn into control and manipulation. Every husband or boyfriend does things that may hurt your feelings from time to time; that’s natural and normal. When it happens, you could get the message across that you’re hurt in one word — one super, powerful, vulnerable word: “Ouch.” That’s all you need to say to honor yourself and express how you feel. It’s a hard thing to do, to just say “ouch” and not engage in battle with the other person. When someone hurts your feelings, your reaction is usually to say something hurtful back. But, you have to come to the table vulnerable if you want to end a fight

What advice would you give to men on how to uphold their end of a great relationship?

So much of it is dependent on the woman. Here’s what I love about men: My experience with husbands, over and over again, is that they are happy to put the effort in if they think they can succeed with us — if they think they have a shot of delighting us or making us smile. It shows up in spades when you take out the disrespect, criticism, nagging, and control. When you do, your man will start to say, “How can I serve and protect and provide and delight?” That’s been my experience.

You mentioned resentment. What can two people do if they are feeling that emotion toward one another?

I lived on “Resentment Lane” for many years. This goes back to self care, because I can’t get resentful unless I’ve overextended. When I stop taking care of myself and start thinking, “I picked up his dry cleaning,” and, “I cleaned the house,” and “I did all these things for everybody else, so now I don’t have time to take a hot bath.” You start to think it’s his fault that you don’t have time for yourself. If you’re overextended or overtired, ask yourself, “What have I done for myself today?” Women are so hard on themselves; self-care is one of those things they don’t get to every day. I say, be as hard on yourself with self care as you are about everything else in your life. Make a list of things you find pleasurable, and find time to do those things every day.

You mentioned somewhere that you aren’t a big advocate of scheduling date nights. Why?

The whole argument I have with scheduling date nights is that I’ve heard people say a million times, “I was struggling in my marriage, and date night didn’t help at all because we’d go out on a date and get into a fight.” People are just at a restaurant fighting instead of at home fighting. That’s putting the cart in front of the horse. What you really want, what most women want, is to feel desired. We want to feel cherished and adored. When my husband and I are going out on date night because it’s Wednesday and we said we would, I don’t feel desired out of that. I just feel like that’s one more chore on the list.

What advice do you have for single people looking to best prepare for a great relationship?

All of my material is for women because I think they are the keepers of relationships. I don’t think men have a whole lot of power in them, really. I think we are the gatekeepers to sex, as well, because we’re the magnets that attract men. We typically are the ones who get to say “yes” or “no” to dates and giving a relationship a try. Unfortunately, I feel we’ve forgotten that. One of the big things I see with single women is that they forget about their gifts. You’ll read things on Match.com like, “It’s 2013, so it’s okay to ask a man out on a date.” And I think to myself, why would women do that? You’re the magnet, and they’re all coming to you, anyway! You’re in the power position to accept or reject him, so why would you put yourself out?

Also, it’s inherent when a man asks you out that he wants to treat; he wants to buy the cup of coffee or take you to dinner and a movie. We reach for our wallets to be independent, but what we’re really saying is, “Yeah, let’s just be friends.” I used to have the impulse to pay for things because I was raised to be independent, and that was really important. Today, that’s not my goal. I want to be interdependent — I don’t want to just be independent. Connection is what it’s all about.

There was so much about our conversation with Laura that has stuck with me, even years after conducting the interview.

The first is a renewed association with the word “surrender.” Surrender feels like giving up, but it’s more about relinquishing the idea of or need for control (which is dangerous since we can’t really control anything other than our own mindset and reactions). Surrender is a powerful thing; it opens your mind and heart up, allowing room for new people and experiences. Surrender is the key to living a more joyful and connected life.

I also left the conversation with a different perspective on finding “the one.” It’s not that I believe there’s only one person in the world who could be a fit for each of us. It’s more that I believe when you know, you know. I still believe that to some extent — but the conversation with Laura made me realize that the things we know are based on limited information about — or experience with — another person. There’s a lot we don’t know yet — not just about our significant others, but about ourselves and what lies ahead in our lives as individuals and partners. You can’t predict or plan for everything, but that’s not the point. The point is the intention with which you go into a committed relationship in the first place. I think that’s part of the reason the divorce rate is so high — not because people are more poorly matched than they have been in the past, but because more people believe marriage is for happiness rather than growth. So, when we’re not happy, we start debating whether we should bail out. What would happen if we saw the purpose of committed love as growth instead? Maybe it would change the way we think about staying rather than contemplate leaving.

There’s still so much I don’t understand — about commitment, about love, and life. But maybe that’s of the point. Love is this thing we all want. Like anything worth having, though, it comes with effort and is often mired in paradoxes. There’s always something to problem solve our way through. There’s always something new and exciting to discover together — and about one another. It will be challenging and rewarding and easy and difficult. It’ll be light and heavy, joyful and painful, laborious and fun. It’s all of those things. Just like anything worth a commitment, or worth fighting for.

The best things in life take us on a journey through a little bit of everything.

Maybe, in the end, that’s the fun of it.